Well, the first time I experienced the GOD molecule, was in a therapeutic setting. I was in my bed with a professional guide by my bedside and I was pretty nervous, if I'm being honest. Fuck, I was downright scared. It was in a vape catridge form and the concentration was 1:1, which basically means as powerful as shit. It's not called the God molecule for nothing. So I began with setting my intentions and my guide suggested some spiritual music. Something that I wasn't particularly interested in, but it was fine. A Hindu song called the Devi Prayer played on the google home in my bedroom and my guide smudged the room with sage and sweet grass to clear in the energy. I was also offered a smudge, which I received, albeit with a bit of ambivalence. Now to be completely transparent I didn't really know or understand what an intention was or why it was important, but my guide insisted that I really focus on this point before we began. Okay, I thought to myself, why am I doing this? What do I want? Need? What's the point of all this adventure? I'm I just an experience junky or is there something more that I am looking for? So I set my intentions... Knowing myself better. Knowing parts of myself that I'm out of touch with. Good enough? I asked. My guide told me to be more specific. Okay then. How about knowing myself so that I can be the best dad I can be? A nod of approval. Okay phew! The wuwu stuff was over and done with. Smudges and ceremony kind of always made me feel a little uncomfortable and "religious," which for my devout atheist self was a bit of an issue. But I had passed the bar and I was in.
So my guide told me we would titrate up from 3 seconds to 6 seconds and then culminate with a 10-12 second inhale of this vape catridge, powered by an epen battery. I used to smoke, cigars too, shouldn't be an issue, getting it in. But I was still chicken. With the devi prayer playing in my electronic candle lit bedroom in the comfort of my own home I was ready... or was I? The last time I'd done any psychedelics had been in highshchool, 15 years old, with a bag of who knows how much of some sort of mushrooms. My girl friend and I had taken an indiscriminant amount. Probably a couple grams with a banana at a party and then when nothing happened, we finished the ziplock bag. Oops. Classic mushroom story. We tripped balls intentionless, staring at the wall at a black and white 3D poster and cuddled in bed for 4 hours. I remember burying my head in her hair a lot. And now here I was a 40 year old father of my own teenager about to try the most powerful psychedelic known to man.
I put the tip of the vape to my lips and, sitting up, I oh so gently inhaled for 3 seconds. I felt a rush of tingles up my spine and back and my head engulfed in caressing sensations. I lay back gently and closed my eyes. Seeing everything in a kaleidoscope of all the colours of the universe and every sound from the music to my breathing to the wrinkles in the sheets. I could see sound and everything I saw was broken down to it's composite molecular parts in a constantly flowing infintessimally pixelated collage of perfection... and then I slowly came back from infinity. 5 minutes had passed.
My heart was thick with love. My eyes glazed over with pleasure and a divine feeling of satisfaction. This wasn't so bad. God seemed loving and pleasant. That was only the handshake. Next came the hug. Hug, I thought. Doesn't sound so bad, probably for of the same except maybe a little longer. Right? Wrong. My guide told me I could inhale more normally, smiling kindly, while I read it in my masculine insecurity as "Don't be a such a pussy." It was in no way implied, by my guide, just my own fears, insecurities and baggage, clouding my perception. I inhaled again, this time fully for a count of 5. The same sensations as before but stronger now and wilder. The mosaic of colours and vivid visions became the female face of a goddess leaning down and holding me in her infinite love and unconditional embrace. It was intense love and forgiveness and gratitude and apology all at once. I began to weep freely with the beauty of the experience. I felt myself dissolving into her love. It felt like forever and now and always. Time did not exist... and then I slowly came back. 20 minutes had passed.
There were no words at that moment to describe what I had experienced. So I did not speak. I sipped some water. I breathed and sighed heavily. I felt my body. I felt in my body. I felt every cell within myself in a way that I had never felt myself before. And in that moment I realized for the first time, how hard I had been on my body. Years of high level, high impact sports had taken it's toll on my joints. Major injuries and surgeries scarred my body outside and in. And the alcohol that I steadily consumed to dull the pain, inflamed my liver and nervous system to an intolerable point.
The full embrace. Okay I was ready. I could do this. I inhaled for 10 seconds. I could feel it. I could feel myself slipping away. I felt scared. 1 more sip said my guide. I listened and obeyed, terrified, but compliant. I dissolved. I disappeared. I was no more. There was nothing. A crystal fractalization of what was my self into a transulcent snowflake that melted in the void of an inifinite abyss. And then I saw my life, but not my life. I lived my life, but not my life. Different bodies, different eras in time, different parents, wives, husbands, children, lovers, enemies, jobs, successes and failures. Over and over again. from birth to death. 11 times. I lived 11 lives. I remember hearing myself say, it's too much. it's too much. And then I died. All was black except a pin prick of light. I was inside of a black hole. I had no form. There was no up or down. I slide around in at times in a 2 dimensional inagination of myself, like a paper thin transparent line drawing. I quickly gave up any attempt to give myself a self and just sat there in this black hole for, well, forever. I spent eternity in a black hole by myself. And being there. The only thing to really take in was myself. So I did. I looked at all my shit. All the way through. from every angle. The good, the bag, ugly and the weird. And well, that went on forever. Quite literally. There was nothing. I could hear no sound, I could see no light, there was only this dissolved primodial ooze version of the person I had been. There was no time.... And then slowly I came back... It had been 42 minutes.
So that was my first experience with psychedelics in my adult life and it was and continues to be the most powerful signficant of my trips to date. There have been more and some have definitely been intense, weird, wonderful and magical in their own ways, but that was my first and by far my north star in terms of trips.
Until next time...
That's Life, the Universe and Everything... according to me, D.
Thanks for the fish.
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